


let me breath

by cvtedin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Character Death, Emotional Hurt, Hanahaki Disease, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Insecure Lee Taeyong, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Oblivious Suh Youngho | Johnny, Unhealthy Obsession, Unrequited Love, alternative universe, cheating ?, taeyong just wants to be loved, tragic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-02-23 07:07:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23640862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cvtedin/pseuds/cvtedin
Summary: Taeyong discovers he has Hanahaki disease. A dark and unsettling truth unravels as he misinterprets the situation.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	let me breath

The unbearable pain continuously coursed through Taeyong. Breathing was incredibly difficult due to his uncontrollable coughing. It almost felt as if his lungs were on the verge of exploding.

Red petals endlessly flew out of his mouth, drifting through the air and landing gently into the sink. Six petals became ten. Ten became fourteen. Fourteen became twenty. They gleamed redder and redder the more he gazed at them through his misty eyes.

But, it suddenly stopped. The pain vanished, and petals were no longer overtaking his throat. He was able to breathe again.

Although, something managed to spike his anxiety once more. A sharp, prodding pain travelled throughout his ribcage. The way it seemed to wrap around his ribs reminded him of flower veins.

As his hands flew to the mere location of the sensations, he looked up, staring perplexedly into the mirror. His complexion seemed so pale, so unfamiliar. When did all the colour drain from his face?

A string of saliva dangled from his mouth, and as he wiped the substance away, a burst of laughter emerged from him. Was he hallucinating?

Taeyong just experienced a well known disease, Hanahaki disease; the illness caused by unrequited love where the person affected coughs up flowers.

He couldn’t believe it. Out of all illnesses contractible in his lifetime, Hanahaki disease somehow stood hazily at the bottom of his list.

Taeyong’s heart sparkled for Johnny more than any string of fairy light, glitter, or star ever could. Johnny was his world, his universe, his always. Taeyong loved him and only him.

As he contemplated, trying to connect the dots, his mind began gliding over the aspects of his past few days, causing an epiphany to surface.

This new coworker by the name of Ten had joined his workplace last week. Taeyong and Ten really hit it off and exchanged phone numbers. They even planned to meet up at the mall tomorrow, as it was simultaneously both their day off.

This new friend obviously had to be the root of his problem.

A heavy, suffocating, cavernous feeling attached itself onto Taeyong’s chest as he lingered into the bedroom.

For the first time in 2 years, he had betrayed Johnny.

Johnny who had made Taeyong cross a line that he didn't think he could ever cross with someone. Taeyong gave himself to him, but not in a bad way. He made Taeyong comfortable and genuinely loved by always guiding him through his hangups and anxiety with patience and kindness. He made him feel like he actually belonged in this universe.

Soon enough, tears brimmed his eyes. As he began crying convulsively, the air became too thick to swallow, and he desperately sucked in breaths between sobs, heart trembling with hot and cold flashes of guilt.

He's never felt so empty, never felt his heart hurt so much. How could he do this to someone he loved so dearly? What was he thinking? He failed as a boyfriend. As a person.

Thank god he didn't have a gun in his hand at that moment.

Before producing enough whimpers for Johnny to wake up, he hurriedly snatched his phone from the nightstand and stepped back out.

A weary sigh left Taeyong as he settled onto the couch. He scrolled through his contacts until Ten appeared, and with a quick tap, their messages showed up.

His hands trembled as he typed. "Hey, something important came up so I can't meet w/ you tomorrow. Sorry."

After sending the message, he went ahead and blocked him as well.

He didn’t have any romantic feelings for Ten, not that he knew of at least. They were just friends, but his intuition told him to do it. Anyways, it was better safe than sorry.

Maybe he should prove to Johnny — to himself that he was worth loving. Yeah, that’s exactly what he needed to do!

Thus, with this idea in mind, Taeyong raced to the kitchen, almost knocking a chair down in the process, but managed to obtain all the ingredients to his classic pancake recipe.

He reminisced on how Johnny loved his fluffy pancakes. When the man had the time, he would beg Taeyong to make them. Sometimes he would even wrap his arms tightly around Taeyong, like a koala. Of course, being unable to resist him, Taeyong always complied.

Taeyong put his whole heart into making the pancakes. He made sure to do every step carefully as this apology needed to be perfect.

Though, after pouring the pancake batter onto the pan, a shock of horror pierced through him. He felt himself collapsing onto the ground as that same lung exploding pain surrounded him.

Clutching onto the fabric of his shirt, he coughed, treacherous petals revealing themselves once more. The sheer luminance of red made him question if they were really petals or just splatters of blood.

Gasping for air tormented him immensely as the same sharp and pointy sensation began prodding at his lungs. Even a sole intake of breath would cause this knife-like pain to surge through his chest. It prompted him to lay motionless, afraid a single movement would slice him up into shreds.

His heart aggressively pounded as well, although not the kind he would get every time he’d see Johnny. Or his smile. Or the sparkling stars in his eyes. This seemed full of terror.

But once again, the paralyzing pain stopped. As his vision cleared and heart gradually lessened in beat, he registered the amount of petals scattered around him.

“Shit,” he winced, feeling a thorn-like object dig at his lungs. Even talking seemed to pain him at this point.

Eventually, he got up, quivering all over as he swept up the petals. His emotions were all over the place.

Hadn’t he already blocked Ten? Maybe the disease takes a while to go away. Yeah, that must be it. Everything was absolutely fine.

When Taeyong checked on the pancakes, they were golden brown, and he sighed in relief before flipping them. He stacked a plate with the mouth watering pancakes, and placed it on the kitchen table, along with some other tableware.

Despite preparing this dish, the unpleasant and heavy sensation still sat at his heart. Even this voice in the back of his mind constantly discouraged him as well.

He tried awfully hard to ignore everything, but his heart eventually ruptured, and tears found their way into his vision again.

As he wiped his eyes, Johnny emerged from their bedroom and headed into the bathroom. Taeyong’s heart skipped a beat, and he immediately sat down on the kitchen chair.

Tugging on the fabric of his pants, he waited nervously for Johnny to come out. When Johnny finally did, Taeyong rapidly got back up.

He plunged into a deeper state of remorse as Johnny faced him. Even meeting the man’s gaze seemed impossible at this point.

“Wow, what do we have here?” Johnny exclaimed, a glint in his eyes as he looked down at the food.

The faintest amount of warmth subsequently spreaded throughout Taeyong’s chest.

“Good morning,” he said, leaning over the table and pursing his lips, so in need of their morning kiss.

Sadly, before he could even reach Johnny’s lips, the man had already settled down on the chair.

A heavy subdued feeling crashed like waves, and tears immediately pricked Taeyong’s eyes. He slumped down onto his seat, glancing at Johnny with his soulful eyes.

Johnny forgot about their morning kiss.

The poking sensation connecting from his rib cage to his lungs still felt familiar, but it had suddenly branched to his heart.

Having lost appetite, Taeyong could do nothing but prod at his food.

Johnny’s phone suddenly pinged, and he swiftly grabbed it. Taeyong’s grasp on the fork immediately hardened as he made note of the beaming smile that appeared on the older’s face. A smile so heart-melting and warm.

It tore his heart into bleeding pieces as every second went by. He hadn’t been able to make Johnny smile that brightly for over a week, so how did this person do it so effortlessly? Was Taeyong really that worthless?


End file.
